New Year, Softer You
By Natalie Delgado, LPC (guest writer & collaborator)
Reflection and goal-setting are common themes as we exit one year and embark on another. Goals usually include going farther on treadmills or in careers—toning up, sliming down, and being an overall boss in everything we set out to do. We can have great intentions of reading so many pages each day, eating clean, and showing up at the gym before the sun rises.
And then life happens, sometimes in the wee hours of January 1st, and sometimes not until a bit later in the year. But the trials occur, the storms come, and our resolutions falter. We can easily get into the headspace of “oh well, better luck next year” and engage in patterns that didn’t fit the aesthetic of our vision boards. The best version of ourselves seem to be a distant green light at the end of a dock, and we’re across the water with a hole in the boat. Characters including Depression and Helplessness enter the scene and we flail through another autumn and winter before resetting ourselves while the world counts down the final moments of the current solar revolution.
But what if this year could be different? What if, instead of this “better or bust” mentality we set intentions, rather than staunch goals, for ourselves? What if words like Compassion and Connectedness, rather Calorie-Counting and Control, found their way into our hopes for this year? We’d likely feel less chaotic, especially if we direct that compassion and connectedness inwardly to begin.
I’ve been reading Dr. Anita Phillips’s book, The Garden Within, and have been inspired to view myself as a complicated plant, and I’d like to invite you into aspects of her analogy.
Think of yourself as an avid gardener tending to their most-prized greenery. You would do so with intentionality and care, consistently checking your plants to ensure their getting enough water, sun, and are rooted in nutritious soil. If the plant begins to wilt or isn’t growing at the rate you know it’s capable of, you wouldn’t berate it. You wouldn’t tell the plant it’s not meeting your expectations and needs to try harder. Or it missed its growth potential this week so it better grow doubly next week. You would be curious as to what’s limiting it from thriving. Then, you’d meet it’s needs: giving it more water, covering it in a frost, and adding fertilizer to the roots.
Before you set your goals for this year, and essentially create another to-do list for yourself, reflect on the moments where you felt that you were thriving. What contributed to that? Who was there? What patterns were in place that made you feel rested, confident, and loved? That’s the environment you need and the soil in which you will flourish. We can shift from a fast-paced, “get it done” attitude to a posture of self-compassion. We soften our hearts toward ourselves and go farther than we thought possible because it came from a nurturing, rather than judgmental, spirit.
This requires frequent check-ins with ourselves, and feedback from trusted loved ones. For example, we may not always recognize when we need a break from progress to sleep or engage in a pastime truly for the sake of enjoyment. Sometimes the fellow gardeners in our corner can see it before we do. When we notice ourselves in a dry season, we need time to refresh. If we are feeling depleted, we need our loved ones, mentors, and cheerleaders to replenish our weary hearts. The more attuned we are to our innermost needs, the more quickly we can see how we need to adjust the variables to grow optimally.
Setting intentions is not the absence of goals. Instead, it’s softening the heart behind the goals to foster deeper connection and understanding within ourselves, and with others, in order to achieve them.
Natalie Delgado, LPC specializes in eating disorders and co-occurring mental health diagnoses. She is an outpatient therapist with The Emily Program in Atlanta, GA and enjoys sharing her passion for learning and mental health through writing and content creation.
