The glue to intimacy

Have you ever heard that emotion is the glue to intimacy? It’s true. When someone knows how we feel, and we know how someone else feels, it is an opportunity for connection. Regardless of it being a positive or negative emotion, sharing how you feel has all kinds of benefits in a relationship. For anyone fearful of feeling weak: remember that vulnerability requires strength! And the more we practice, the better we get.

Give this Speaker & Listener Formula a try. Be sure to take turns. Sometimes that can be the hardest part, so flip a coin if needed. If one or both people are not ready to communicate, agree to take a 15 minute break, do something distracting, and then try again.

SPEAKER:

• Identify how you feel (use the feelings wheel from the last post).

• Find one or a few words that best describe your emotion(s).

• State: “I feel [emotion(s)] about [situation] and I need [positive desire].”

Tip: try not to use the word “you” as to avoid any blaming or criticizing.

LISTENER:

• Pay attention to the feeling word(s) and remember them.

• You may feel some of your own emotions in response to the speaker. In honor of taking turns, trust that yours will come. Refocus on what the other person is saying first. Do not interrupt.

• When the speaker is done sharing, confirm that they are finished. Restate what you heard them say in your own words.

Tip: if you include the feelings word(s) that they used, you get bonus points! Doing so reflects your understanding, helps the speaker feel heard, and that you genuinely care about them.

Now go practice and get connected... or re-connected!

Thanks to the Gottman Institute for their incredible research made practical and simple.

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