Communication requires practice
There are several factors that contribute to how we talk with one another, especially when it comes to close relationships. The influence of these patterns of behavior often include our family of origin, temperament, personality, and past experiences. It is often believed that people need to change who they are in order to be successful in a relationship — and usually “it is the other person who needs to change.” But what if we had access to research that could predict with over 90% accuracy which communication is most effective for successful relationships?
Enter the four horsemen and their antidotes. These negative communication patterns are the biggest detriments to intimacy, while their positive alternatives are the most helpful. Reflect on the following to see how they are showing up in your relationship(s). Take inventory and discuss with a loved one on how to improve... without blaming.
Criticism: verbally attacking personality or character.
Antidote - Soft Start-Up: talk about your feelings using "I" statements and express a positive need.Contempt: Attacking sense of self with intent to insult or assuming a position of moral superiority (this is the biggest predictor of divorce).
Antidote - Build Culture of Appreciation: remind yourself of your partner's positive qualities and find gratitude for positive actions.Defensiveness: Victimizing yourself to ward off a perceived attack and reverse the blame.
Antidote - Accept Responsibility: accept your partner's perspective and offer an apology for any wrongdoing (even if you don’t agree).Stonewalling: Withdrawing to avoid conflict to convey disapproval, distance, and separation.
Antidote - Physiological Self-Soothing: take a 20 minute break and spend that time doing something soothing and distracting (do not ruminate).
Bonus: check out this helpful and entertaining video on the four horsemen and their antidotes…
https://youtu.be/1o30Ps-_8is
#anchoredmind #counseling #therapy #relationships #couples #family #marriage #intimacy #gottman #fourhorsemen #communication #mentalhealth
