Building Your Village
Last month, Andrea from the Anchored Mind team wrote a heartfelt, insightful article about loneliness, and it’s a conversation that feels relevant for many. Because if we’re honest, loneliness doesn’t always look the way we expect it to. You can have a full calendar, a group of friends, people you text regularly—and still feel disconnected, or like something is missing.
There’s a tension many of us carry: We want deep, meaningful relationships…but we’re not always sure how to build them in the middle of real life.
And the data reflects that.
What’s now being called the loneliness epidemic is a serious and growing issue. Research shows the impact of loneliness on mortality is equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Adults who report feeling lonely are also more likely to experience anxiety and depression. As we were discussing this on our team, a phrase came up: “Everyone wants a village, but no one wants to be a villager.”
It stuck.
The truth is, humans crave deep connection, but often struggle to put into practice the structures that actually create it. It takes intentionality to build a village—and to experience the benefits of being part of one.
So what’s getting in the way?
A few of the leading causes of loneliness, according to Harvard researchers, include:
Digital technology use
Insufficient time with friends and family
Overwork and exhaustion
Busy schedules
Disconnection from religious or spiritual life.
The most significant cause? We live in a society that has become increasingly individualistic.
The U.S. has long been known for its individualistic roots. But starting in the 1960s, we’ve gradually shifted further away from community-centered connection and more toward a culture that emphasizes the individual.
In an individualistic culture, the focus is on personal autonomy and self-reliance; a kind of “I’ve got this on my own” mindset. And while there’s value in that, it can also make it harder to stay connected.
On the other hand, community-oriented living (the idea of being part of a village) looks different. It’s having people to share both responsibilities and emotional support with. It’s doing life alongside others in a way that helps buffer the isolation that can come from carrying everything on your own.
What’s interesting is that, for the first time since 1976, the U.S. score for individualism has actually dropped. There are signs that we’re starting to shift back toward “we.”
So the question becomes: what does it actually look like to be a villager?
Here are a few ideas you can start practicing:
First, switch from “catching up” to consistency.
“Catch-up culture” (the way a lot of adult friendships default to infrequent, high-pressure time together instead of regular, everyday connection) can actually make us feel lonelier. When we meet up for 3-hour hangs every 2–3 months, scheduling weeks in advance, there’s pressure to update each other on everything.
Instead, we need more small moments, frequent proximity, and shared routines.
This can look like running errands together, calling while driving, sending voice texts, going on short walks, or taking a workout class together. It’s living life alongside one another and integrating connection into our daily lives.
Make recurring plans.
Create times and places where you connect with the same people regularly. Over time, as these brief interactions become part of your routine, they deepen in vulnerability. This can look like Sunday walks on the same route, a Thursday run club, or morning co-working at the same spot.
There’s something powerful about already having it on the calendar. It takes the pressure off having to plan or reach out every time. As much as you can, try to keep those plans. That consistency is what builds the connection.
Create traditions within your friendships.
They don’t have to be big or elaborate. It can be as simple as birthday breakfasts, an annual trip, or a seasonal dinner you host each year. Over time, these moments start to carry meaning. They become part of your shared story. They also create space for joy. Not every moment of connection has to be deep; fun and lightness matter too.
Consistency creates closeness, and traditions turn friends into community.
Friendships aren’t just about getting life updates over coffee. They’re about experiencing both the good and the hard parts of life together. That can look like sending a quick “thinking of you” text, checking in after something big (or hard), remembering small details they’ve shared, or following up on something that mattered to them.
It’s about showing up when they need support, celebrating their wins, or simply making time to be present in the in-between moments, not just the big ones.
So don’t wait! It’s easy to wait until you feel ready or hope the other person reaches out first. But that’s not how community is built.
It starts with something small: sending the text, making the plan, or following up after time together. Those small steps of initiative matter more than we think.
So what’s your next step to build your village?
Do you need more consistency?
More fun and enjoyment?
More vulnerability?
Pick one area—and/or one friendship—to invest in this week.
It doesn’t have to be anything big or perfect. Just a small step toward connection.
That’s how a village is built.