I tried to help my grieving friend, but I actually made it worse
I tried to help my grieving friend, but I actually made it worse
There was a time when I used to say, “I totally understand what you’re going through,” to friends or acquaintances who were vulnerably sharing something with me – whether it was a hard situation, or a person they had lost. I didn’t understand why it wasn’t received well, or why it didn’t communicate the care that I felt for them. After all, I just wanted to help them feel better.
I hear all the time from friends, or people sitting in my office, that the worst thing someone can say to their suffering or experiences is, “I totally understand.” But why is that? After all, you might think, “I was just trying to support them and empathize.”
As Brené Brown says, “...The truth is, rarely can a response make something better – what makes something better is connection.” Phrases like “I totally understand what you’re going through,” or “At least ___,” and “I went through something similar,” are unhelpful things to say to someone who is suffering because it drives disconnection. It makes people feel more alone! Our goal when supporting those in grief is to help them feel less alone, so disconnection isn’t what we want them to experience. Platitudes like “Everything happens for a reason,” or phrases like “At least ___,” invalidate a person’s experiences, feelings, and vulnerability. Oftentimes, people share their grief because they want to be heard, and they want you to be present with their suffering. They often aren’t looking for a solution, and often aren’t looking to hear your experience.
Phrases I recommend using, that communicate empathy effectively, are:
“Thank you so much for sharing that with me.”
“I feel so honored that you would trust me with that. Will you tell me more?”
“What was your favorite thing about (the person, or thing) you lost?”
“How are you feeling today?” (versus yesterday, last week, etc. Grief can look different day to day)
“Is there any way that I can support you right now?”
“It sounds like you’re feeling ____. That must be really hard to navigate and totally makes sense.”
Other things like putting away your phone when they’re talking to you, making eye contact, and allowing them personal space are also great ways to react. People want to know that they are safe, heard, and valued especially when they are sharing something important or vulnerable.
Grief can be complicated, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t talk about it, show up for the people we love, or learn how to adjust our responses so they are more empathetic and helpful.
Lastly, watch this video by Brené Brown on empathy! It is one of the most impactful 3 minute videos I’ve ever watched, and speaks to the difference between empathy and sympathy. I rewatch it often!