When a relationship feels unbalanced: A guide for healthy bonding
If dating has ever left you feeling confused, anxious, or emotionally attached faster than you intended, you are not alone. These experiences are common, and they often point to parts of attachment developing faster than others.
In our discussions with clients, we frequently unpack the challenges of dating in today’s relational landscape. One tool we return to again and again is the Relationship Attachment Model (RAM), developed by Dr. John Van Epp. It offers a simple, practical way to understand healthy pacing and emotional bonding in relationships.
According to the model, five key bonds naturally develop as a relationship grows:
Know: What you learn about someone through conversation, shared experiences, and time
Trust: Your confidence in their character and consistency, built from what you know
Rely: Depending on someone emotionally and practically
Commit: A shared sense of loyalty, intention, and long-term connection
Touch: Physical intimacy and affection
Healthy bonding happens when these bonds develop in order, from left to right:
Know → Trust → Rely → Commit → Touch
Each bond builds on the one before it. Knowledge leads to trust, trust supports reliance, reliance allows for commitment, and commitment provides a stable foundation for physical intimacy.
Issues with attachment may arise when one bond advances ahead of another. This might show up as feeling emotionally close after a few dates, but being uncertain or anxious about where the relationship stands. Even when there is a strong chemistry or frequency of connection, moving faster in one area without enough support from previous bonds can create confusion and imbalance.
These feelings aren’t a sign that something is wrong. They’re useful signals, pointing to areas where attachment may be outpacing trust, knowledge, or mutual commitment. This model helps us slow down, reflect, and create healthier, more balanced connections.
Using the RAM, you can begin to assess your own relationships by asking:
Does my emotional investment match how well I actually know this person?
Is my level of trust supported by consistent behavior? Does this match what I know of this person?
Am I relying on someone more than feels mutual or appropriate at this stage?
Does the level of commitment match my reliance and trust in this person?
This model isn’t about slowing things down unnecessarily—it’s about allowing relationships to grow in a way that feels secure, mutual, and emotionally healthy.