What Happens When the Coping Stops Working?

By Chris Boyle

We all cope.

Coping is simply how we get through hard things—stress, pain, fear, uncertainty. It’s what we do to survive when life feels too heavy, overwhelming, or out of control.

Sometimes coping looks healthy: exercise, routines, journaling, talking to someone.
Other times, it’s about escaping: drinking, overworking, shutting down, scrolling endlessly, picking fights, pretending we’re fine.

And the truth is, coping isn’t inherently bad.

In fact, many of our coping strategies started as smart adaptations. They helped us stay afloat during things we weren’t equipped to process. If you learned to stuff your emotions, keep the peace, hustle harder, or stay numb just to get by—there’s a reason. You did what you had to do.

But here’s the catch:
Coping helps us survive. It doesn’t help us heal.
And at a certain point, the very strategies that once protected us can start to hold us back.

Maybe the old patterns—staying busy, avoiding conflict, numbing out, trying to be perfect—just aren’t working anymore. Maybe they leave you feeling disconnected, anxious, resentful, or like you're living someone else’s life.

That moment, when the coping stops working, can feel like a crisis. But more often, it’s a turning point.

Let’s give credit where it’s due: coping got you through some tough seasons. Whether it was perfectionism, overworking, substance use, people-pleasing, or shutting down emotionally—it was your way of staying functional. It kept you moving. In some cases, it saved your life.

But here’s the problem: Coping is built for survival—not connection, not joy, not freedom.

When those old strategies stop numbing the pain or quieting the noise, it’s easy to panic. You may feel lost, unmotivated, or worse—like something is wrong with you. But the truth is, this breakdown might actually be the beginning of something better.

What I see in therapy, especially with men, is that the moment when the tools stop working isn’t a failure—it’s a sign of growth.

You’re not broken.
You’re evolving.

Your system is telling you it’s time for something deeper than managing symptoms. That the part of you that’s tired of numbing is also the part of you that’s ready to feel. Ready to connect. Ready to live—not just survive.

Here’s a place to start:

1. Pause and Get Honest

Ask yourself:

• What am I avoiding?

• What emotions come up when I stop distracting myself?

• What am I afraid will happen if I let myself feel this fully?

You don’t have to figure it all out—just start by noticing.

2. Name What’s Not Working

Look at the coping strategies you've leaned on. Are they helping… or keeping you stuck?

• Overworking might mask emptiness.

• Numbing might delay grief or shame.

• Control might hide fear.

Naming them without shame gives you the power to choose something different.

3. Reach Out Before It Becomes a Crisis

You don’t have to wait for a rock bottom. Therapy, men’s groups, or even one honest conversation with someone you trust can be a game-changer. You weren't meant to carry this alone.

4. Learn New Tools

Coping is about escaping pain. Healing is about facing it—with support.

Therapy gives you new tools: emotional awareness, regulation, communication, self-compassion. They don’t show up overnight, but they build a foundation for actual change. 

There’s a reason your old patterns aren’t cutting it anymore. You’re not meant to keep living disconnected from your own life. You don’t need to white-knuckle your way through it.

What if this isn’t the beginning of a breakdown…
But the beginning of coming home to yourself?

When the coping stops working, the work begins—but so does the healing.

And you don’t have to do it alone.