Your Relationship Needs Protection, Not Competition
By Michael Kanner, LPC
In the early stages of a relationship, partners often act as a united team, cherishing each other’s victories and offering support during challenges. However, over time, some couples may find themselves inadvertently slipping into a pattern of competition—comparing achievements, keeping score, or vying for the upper hand. This shift from collaboration to rivalry can erode the foundation of trust and intimacy that relationships are built upon.
Drs. John and Julie Gottman, renowned researchers in the field of relationship dynamics, emphasize the importance of safeguarding the partnership from such detrimental patterns. Their extensive studies have highlighted behaviors that can predict relationship dissatisfaction and dissolution, notably the “Four Horsemen”: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These behaviors, often stemming from unresolved conflicts and competitive mindsets, can lead couples down a path of disconnection.
To counteract these negative patterns, the Gottmans advocate for intentional practices that reinforce unity and mutual respect:
Turning Towards Each Other: In everyday interactions, partners make bids for connection—seeking attention, affirmation, or affection. Responding positively to these bids strengthens the emotional bond and fosters a sense of partnership.
Accepting Influence: Valuing and considering your partner’s opinions and feelings, even when they differ from your own, promotes a collaborative environment. This openness reduces power struggles and enhances mutual respect.
Compromising Effectively: The “Two Ovals” exercise, introduced by the Gottmans, encourages partners to identify their core needs and areas of flexibility. By understanding each other’s priorities, couples can find solutions that honor both perspectives.
By consciously choosing collaboration over competition, couples can create a resilient and nurturing relationship. Protecting the partnership involves recognizing and addressing detrimental patterns, embracing effective communication strategies, and fostering an environment where both individuals feel valued and supported.
Remember, in a thriving relationship, partners are allies, not adversaries. By prioritizing unity and mutual growth, couples can navigate challenges together and build a lasting bond.